The perils of positive thinking
The overwhelming pressure to always look only at the positive side of things can lead a person into self-delusion, a sense of inadequacy, and eventually, depression,
In the 1999 film American Beauty, Oscar-winning actress Annette Bening plays the role of Carolyn Burnham, a depressed real estate agent who believes that staying positive will take her places. Even as she fails to sell a single house, she keeps telling herself she will succeed. She's all smiles until reality hits her and she has a breakdown.
Thinking positive thoughts without processing your negative feelings is just a way of deluding yourself, say experts. "It's like brushing the dirt under the carpet. At some point, you will have to address the muck that's accumulated," says clinical psychologist Kanan Khatau Chikhal.
With Abhay Joshi*, for instance, switching off from the problem resulted in an ugly fight and a break-up three years into his relationship. The 27-year-old didn't like the idea of his girlfriend partying as much as she did, nor the way she dressed. As a PR executive, she did have to socialise a bit. Soon her drinks started getting larger and her clothes shorter. Her mini-skirts began to attract obscene remarks, making the conservative boyfriend uncomfortable. Rather than bring it up with her, Abhay went off to join a yoga class.
return of the repressed
All the breathing and meditation helped calm him considerably. But only until the next time his girlfriend went out clubbing. What he didn't realise — or didn't want to — was that while yoga helped clear his mind, he still had to find a solution.
"There's a choice you have to make: do you want to see the world as it is or do you want to see it in a way that makes you happy?" asks counselling psychologist Natasha Thomas. "You can't ignore your issues. You need to mull over them and find meaning in what you're feeling. Sometimes these feelings are justified." This is when positive thinking won't help. Instead, you have to analyse your situation and think of what to do next.
People tend to forget that grief, anger and fear need an outlet, says Thomas. "If you've lost someone close to you or find that you're out of a job, you can't skip the grieving stage and expect you will be okay," she says. "Suppress your feelings long enough and you will find that it has larger, more dangerous consequences. To put it simply, anger turned inward is what depression is."
Psychologist Rhea Pravin Tembhekar of Mumbai's Coffee Counselling Centre has quite a few clients who went into depression after they turned to self-help books and 'wellness' seminars in pursuit of 'happiness'. "When they realised they just can't see the positives as instructed by self-help gurus, they ended up feeling more inadequate," says Tembhekar.
Take the case of Sidhartha Guha,* for instance. The 34-year-old HR manager hated his job. After working at the same company for over three years, he switched to a larger MNC with better pay. He made new friends, and though he didn't like the more straitjacketed organisational structure, he stuck on. Eight months later, he went back to his previous employer. Everything was hunky dory for a few weeks. Soon he started hating the job, again. Uninspired, he started drinking more often, and bitching about his job. Then he chanced upon a seminar on how to attain happiness.
A weekend seminar later, Sidharth returned to the office, all gung ho about staying positive. It took all of five days for his freshly minted positivity to fall apart. His 'negative mindset' spilled into conversations with friends, and they suggested he seek help. There must be something wrong with me if even a seminar couldn't help, he thought.
What lies beneath
After listening to him, Sidharth's psychologist suggested he stop blaming himself for feeling frustrated and angry, and guilty too, for not being able to see the light. Instead, she asked him to address the issue. Why was he unhappy at work? What was it about his colleagues? Or was it the job itself that was bugging him? Sidharth realised he had been avoiding these fundamental questions. Still in therapy, he is trying to address his issues.
Society imposes on us one way of thinking. "The moment you tell someone to 'look at the bright side of things' or 'be positive', you're rejecting their way of thinking and attacking their view of the world," says Thomas. Apart from doing other kinds of damage, it also undercuts their individualism, say psychologists. "It's very 'cool' to tell people to look at the silver lining. But you can't coax someone into being positive," adds Tembhekar.
Being sad once in a while may even be good. It helps give us a more realistic idea of ourselves and what we're capable of. Too much positivity doesn't allow for even mild cynicism or realistic judgments. Studies have shown that people who are depressed have a more accurate understanding of reality because they aren't affected by 'positive illusions'. There's a term for this point of view: 'depressive realism'. Unlike most 'normal' people, the depressed have a more realistic perception of their importance, reputation and abilities.
However, psychologists warn that the other extreme is also harmful. The realistic approach can easily turn into low self-esteem and a host of other problems. You need to find a way to balance both positivity and negativity. Self-help books, spiritual gurus, and wellness seminars can sometimes help as basic guides. But that's all they are. It is dangerous to let them tell you what to think because you'll just end up feeling inadequate. "It's philosophy. That doesn't mean we should allow ourselves to get brainwashed by it," sums up Thomas.
*Names have been changed to protect identities
The overwhelming pressure to always look only at the positive side of things can lead a person into self-delusion, a sense of inadequacy, and eventually, depression,
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In the 1999 film American Beauty, Oscar-winning actress Annette Bening plays the role of Carolyn Burnham, a depressed real estate agent who believes that staying positive will take her places. Even as she fails to sell a single house, she keeps telling herself she will succeed. She's all smiles until reality hits her and she has a breakdown.
Thinking positive thoughts without processing your negative feelings is just a way of deluding yourself, say experts. "It's like brushing the dirt under the carpet. At some point, you will have to address the muck that's accumulated," says clinical psychologist Kanan Khatau Chikhal.
With Abhay Joshi*, for instance, switching off from the problem resulted in an ugly fight and a break-up three years into his relationship. The 27-year-old didn't like the idea of his girlfriend partying as much as she did, nor the way she dressed. As a PR executive, she did have to socialise a bit. Soon her drinks started getting larger and her clothes shorter. Her mini-skirts began to attract obscene remarks, making the conservative boyfriend uncomfortable. Rather than bring it up with her, Abhay went off to join a yoga class.
return of the repressed
All the breathing and meditation helped calm him considerably. But only until the next time his girlfriend went out clubbing. What he didn't realise — or didn't want to — was that while yoga helped clear his mind, he still had to find a solution.
"There's a choice you have to make: do you want to see the world as it is or do you want to see it in a way that makes you happy?" asks counselling psychologist Natasha Thomas. "You can't ignore your issues. You need to mull over them and find meaning in what you're feeling. Sometimes these feelings are justified." This is when positive thinking won't help. Instead, you have to analyse your situation and think of what to do next.
People tend to forget that grief, anger and fear need an outlet, says Thomas. "If you've lost someone close to you or find that you're out of a job, you can't skip the grieving stage and expect you will be okay," she says. "Suppress your feelings long enough and you will find that it has larger, more dangerous consequences. To put it simply, anger turned inward is what depression is."
Psychologist Rhea Pravin Tembhekar of Mumbai's Coffee Counselling Centre has quite a few clients who went into depression after they turned to self-help books and 'wellness' seminars in pursuit of 'happiness'. "When they realised they just can't see the positives as instructed by self-help gurus, they ended up feeling more inadequate," says Tembhekar.
Take the case of Sidhartha Guha,* for instance. The 34-year-old HR manager hated his job. After working at the same company for over three years, he switched to a larger MNC with better pay. He made new friends, and though he didn't like the more straitjacketed organisational structure, he stuck on. Eight months later, he went back to his previous employer. Everything was hunky dory for a few weeks. Soon he started hating the job, again. Uninspired, he started drinking more often, and bitching about his job. Then he chanced upon a seminar on how to attain happiness.
A weekend seminar later, Sidharth returned to the office, all gung ho about staying positive. It took all of five days for his freshly minted positivity to fall apart. His 'negative mindset' spilled into conversations with friends, and they suggested he seek help. There must be something wrong with me if even a seminar couldn't help, he thought.
What lies beneath
After listening to him, Sidharth's psychologist suggested he stop blaming himself for feeling frustrated and angry, and guilty too, for not being able to see the light. Instead, she asked him to address the issue. Why was he unhappy at work? What was it about his colleagues? Or was it the job itself that was bugging him? Sidharth realised he had been avoiding these fundamental questions. Still in therapy, he is trying to address his issues.
Society imposes on us one way of thinking. "The moment you tell someone to 'look at the bright side of things' or 'be positive', you're rejecting their way of thinking and attacking their view of the world," says Thomas. Apart from doing other kinds of damage, it also undercuts their individualism, say psychologists. "It's very 'cool' to tell people to look at the silver lining. But you can't coax someone into being positive," adds Tembhekar.
Being sad once in a while may even be good. It helps give us a more realistic idea of ourselves and what we're capable of. Too much positivity doesn't allow for even mild cynicism or realistic judgments. Studies have shown that people who are depressed have a more accurate understanding of reality because they aren't affected by 'positive illusions'. There's a term for this point of view: 'depressive realism'. Unlike most 'normal' people, the depressed have a more realistic perception of their importance, reputation and abilities.
However, psychologists warn that the other extreme is also harmful. The realistic approach can easily turn into low self-esteem and a host of other problems. You need to find a way to balance both positivity and negativity. Self-help books, spiritual gurus, and wellness seminars can sometimes help as basic guides. But that's all they are. It is dangerous to let them tell you what to think because you'll just end up feeling inadequate. "It's philosophy. That doesn't mean we should allow ourselves to get brainwashed by it," sums up Thomas.
*Names have been changed to protect identities
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