I (don't) wanna hold your hand
Why do some people insist on holding their partner's hands in public? Is it really just romantic or is it also a means to show ownership,
They say it's 'romantic'. What's romantic about clinging to your partner like a six-year-old does to her mother? If you're not holding on for dear life, you're probably looking to get too familiar with your partner, and holding hands is the only form of PDA that's acceptable in our society. But does locking fingers even count as PDA?
Research and experts say holding hands is about 'connection'. We hold hands to establish closeness, according to New Delhi-based body language expert Rita Gangwani. So that's what John Lennon and Paul McCartney meant by 'something' when they crooned, 'When I feel that something, I wanna hold your hand'. Connection.
Studies on kids have shown that regular loving touch helps babies' brains develop. Among adults, holding a partner's hand makes people feel secure, according to research published in the journal Psychological Science. And if you go by Dr Frans BM de Waal's book Good Natured: The Origins Of Right And Wrong In Humans And Other Animals, monkeys hold hands too: to reconcile after a fight.
But if you really need to feel connected in public, doesn't that say you're insecure about your partner or relationship?
'Too independent to cling on'
Gayatri*, 28, feels that sometimes there's more to it than a simple expression of love when her husband holds her hand in public. "I believe it's rather desperate, this need to publicly establish our connection. Why do we need to announce to strangers that we're a unit?"
Even as a romantic gesture, she finds it rather cloying. "I don't need my husband to constantly reaffirm his presence or love for me in this manner, but unfortunately he doesn't get my point of view," she says.
The first time he reached for her hand after marriage was when they were crossing the street to go vegetable shopping. "Just as I started walking across, he grabbed my hand. Startled, I stopped in the middle of the road, pulling my hand out of his. He found that insulting, and naturally an argument followed," Gayatri says.
The intention behind holding hands is clearly not always romantic. "It's also a way of displaying possession or even domination," says body language expert Gangwani. Nothing tells prospective mates to back off like holding hands in public does. Sort of like the 'romantic' version of a dog collar.
And while some people dislike having an audience, there are others who don't like what the act may symbolise. Sayoni*, 31, says she found it "irritating" when her boyfriend reached out and covered her hand with his palm when they were watching a movie. "It felt like he was trying to tell me that he'll look after me. To me, that's bugging. I'm too independent to need somebody to cling on to for support," she says.
How you hold hands also says something about you and the kind of relationship you have. "For instance, the person whose palm faces downwards is the dominant one, while the partner whose palm faces upwards is submissive," says Gangwani. "If a couple is holding hands in a way that both partners' palms are facing their own bodies, it means that both are dominant by nature. In such cases, compromise by both partners is the only way to work through the relationship. Then there are people who hold on to just one finger, most often the little finger. This shows fear of commitment."
'I do it for my partner'
Apparently, it's only linking fingers with your partner that shows commitment and equality of both partners in the relationship. But sexual politics aside, holding hands can of course be very romantic too. It's usually the first major milestone in a relationship. Some say it's a more intimate gesture than even sex, and it's usually the first contact most couples have.
Karan*, 28, remembers the first time he held his girlfriend-turned-wife's hand nine years ago. They were taking their first awkward stroll together. "There was nothing extraordinarily romantic about the day — it was a regular street where kids played cricket and everyone did their own thing. We'd been friends for many months, but this walk was different," he says. Nervously, he asked her if he could hold her hand. "She agreed. To me, that was an acknowledgement that she felt the same connection I did." Today, happily married, the two still lock hands now and then. "Now, holding her hand is a way of saying 'this is a beautiful moment that I'm sharing with you,'" he says.
Even to someone averse to holding hands, it can be intensely romantic too. Anjali*, 26, an affectionate person otherwise, doesn't like touching her husband in public, but she makes an exception every once in a while because her husband likes holding her hand. "At the movies or even on the street, he reaches for my hand, and I don't let go. He likes it, and for me, that's reason enough to do something I wasn't comfortable with earlier," says Anjali.
Even a hand squeeze can be loaded with meaning. A light squeeze is symbolic of support: The I'm-here-for-you gesture. Just don't mistake this for the more intense squeeze, which signifies sexual arousal. But if sweaty palms are a turn-off, then maybe you should find some other form of cuing your partner — an intense look perhaps? *Names changed on request
Why do some people insist on holding their partner's hands in public? Is it really just romantic or is it also a means to show ownership,
They say it's 'romantic'. What's romantic about clinging to your partner like a six-year-old does to her mother? If you're not holding on for dear life, you're probably looking to get too familiar with your partner, and holding hands is the only form of PDA that's acceptable in our society. But does locking fingers even count as PDA?
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Studies on kids have shown that regular loving touch helps babies' brains develop. Among adults, holding a partner's hand makes people feel secure, according to research published in the journal Psychological Science. And if you go by Dr Frans BM de Waal's book Good Natured: The Origins Of Right And Wrong In Humans And Other Animals, monkeys hold hands too: to reconcile after a fight.
But if you really need to feel connected in public, doesn't that say you're insecure about your partner or relationship?
'Too independent to cling on'
Gayatri*, 28, feels that sometimes there's more to it than a simple expression of love when her husband holds her hand in public. "I believe it's rather desperate, this need to publicly establish our connection. Why do we need to announce to strangers that we're a unit?"
Even as a romantic gesture, she finds it rather cloying. "I don't need my husband to constantly reaffirm his presence or love for me in this manner, but unfortunately he doesn't get my point of view," she says.
The first time he reached for her hand after marriage was when they were crossing the street to go vegetable shopping. "Just as I started walking across, he grabbed my hand. Startled, I stopped in the middle of the road, pulling my hand out of his. He found that insulting, and naturally an argument followed," Gayatri says.
The intention behind holding hands is clearly not always romantic. "It's also a way of displaying possession or even domination," says body language expert Gangwani. Nothing tells prospective mates to back off like holding hands in public does. Sort of like the 'romantic' version of a dog collar.
And while some people dislike having an audience, there are others who don't like what the act may symbolise. Sayoni*, 31, says she found it "irritating" when her boyfriend reached out and covered her hand with his palm when they were watching a movie. "It felt like he was trying to tell me that he'll look after me. To me, that's bugging. I'm too independent to need somebody to cling on to for support," she says.
How you hold hands also says something about you and the kind of relationship you have. "For instance, the person whose palm faces downwards is the dominant one, while the partner whose palm faces upwards is submissive," says Gangwani. "If a couple is holding hands in a way that both partners' palms are facing their own bodies, it means that both are dominant by nature. In such cases, compromise by both partners is the only way to work through the relationship. Then there are people who hold on to just one finger, most often the little finger. This shows fear of commitment."
'I do it for my partner'
Apparently, it's only linking fingers with your partner that shows commitment and equality of both partners in the relationship. But sexual politics aside, holding hands can of course be very romantic too. It's usually the first major milestone in a relationship. Some say it's a more intimate gesture than even sex, and it's usually the first contact most couples have.
Karan*, 28, remembers the first time he held his girlfriend-turned-wife's hand nine years ago. They were taking their first awkward stroll together. "There was nothing extraordinarily romantic about the day — it was a regular street where kids played cricket and everyone did their own thing. We'd been friends for many months, but this walk was different," he says. Nervously, he asked her if he could hold her hand. "She agreed. To me, that was an acknowledgement that she felt the same connection I did." Today, happily married, the two still lock hands now and then. "Now, holding her hand is a way of saying 'this is a beautiful moment that I'm sharing with you,'" he says.
Even to someone averse to holding hands, it can be intensely romantic too. Anjali*, 26, an affectionate person otherwise, doesn't like touching her husband in public, but she makes an exception every once in a while because her husband likes holding her hand. "At the movies or even on the street, he reaches for my hand, and I don't let go. He likes it, and for me, that's reason enough to do something I wasn't comfortable with earlier," says Anjali.
Even a hand squeeze can be loaded with meaning. A light squeeze is symbolic of support: The I'm-here-for-you gesture. Just don't mistake this for the more intense squeeze, which signifies sexual arousal. But if sweaty palms are a turn-off, then maybe you should find some other form of cuing your partner — an intense look perhaps? *Names changed on request
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