Harry Potter And The Curse Of Middle Age

Harry Potter epilogue that they've written their own version of how their favourite characters got on in life after the book. But be warned, they are no JK Rowling

The Harry Potter epilogue was, to put it mildly, disappointing. This was true of book and even truer of the film. For fans used to seeing their heroes battle evil with gritty yet magical realism, watching them milling middle-agedly around a station with a posse of hormonal children was unsettling. Plus what really bothered us was the fact that all our erstwhile heroes look like they haven't had the use of soap or shaving razor since they left school. This blatant disregard for personal hygiene led us to surmise that they probably haven't had very fulfilling lives after the Battle of Hogwarts and were totally depressed. So we here at DNA decided to write our own version of what we think happened when Potter and co faced their gravest enemy yet — adult life. Harry Potter Once the dust of the great Hogwarts battle has settled, Harry realises that he is now a high-school dropout suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that is more crippling than the Cruciatus Curse. He is also being sued — in politely worded but firm letters — by Hogwarts and Gringotts, for destroying all their property in the last one year. He becomes an intern at the Ministry of Magic and spends his time swatting pixies and writing memos to his boss, Hermione Granger-Weasley. To pay his lawyers and support himself, Harry sells his Grimmauld Place house to Luna's father, who turns it into the new printing headquarters for the Quibbler. Mrs Black's ravings in the hallway are transcribed by a Quibbler intern and turned into a satirical page, with much success. Harry and Ginny marry, and despite enormous temptation, Harry does not put his mother-in-law under the Imperious Curse. Harry's scar no longer hurts, and unable to deal with the loss of attention, he takes to collapsing into seizures and clutching his forehead in times of stress, much to the annoyance of his wife and several children. Harry decides to write his memoirs, entitled The Boy Who Lived To Regret It. The book does not do well. Ron Weasley Poor Ronald. After the fancy-pants disintegration of Voldemort, he was finally going to get out of Harry's humungous shadow, be his own man, kick his feet up and be the master of his own pile of rubble (which was all that was left of every non death-eater owned structure in magical world). But in a typically Ron (read: bone-headed) move, he got married to Hermione. At least Harry didn't expect him to change his underwear every day! Ron also didn't have the good sense to go back and finish his final year of schooling. In fact, he soon found out that running around the country-side hunting horcruxes while throwing epic hissy fits qualifies you for …umm… nothing. So while Hermione was zipping around the globe attending all sorts of important conferences, Ron was stuck in a dead-end paper-pushing job in the ministry that his dad got him. Oodles of resentment and a sizable butterbeer belly later he had to own up to the fact that the romance in the marriage had fizzled out and there was no spell that could fix it. From the perennial side-kick to the perennially henpecked. Poor, poor Ronald. Hermione Granger Hermione went back to school. Of course. It was a bit drafty what with no walls left, but she managed. Hermione blazed through her final year course work in 2 months, about the time it took for Harry and Ron to get over their celebration hangovers. After a short stint in the Ministry where the suffocating bureaucracy and her poor social skills led to much hand wringing and frustration, she took a year off with Ron to find herself. Unfortunately all Ron found on the trip was his way around the magical taverns. Hermione, in spite of her initial protestations, gave in. On a particularly boozy night in Russia they were married. Oh well, Hermione thought, at least he's sweet. She soon discovered though, that pity makes for a very shaky marital foundation. After this initial disenchantment, she shook herself out of her ennui and started a non-profit organisation for the rights and integration of the various magical species. Spectacularly successful, she had to travel a lot, without Ron. Her marriage was a sham, but she had her house-elves and goblins and trolls to think of. Plus there was Viktor, occasionally, for some well-muscled solace. Draco Malfoy Draco grows up sporadically evil, hexing Muggle babies and producing Muggle reality television. He later reforms after watching Love Actually. He then starts a rehabilitation programme for former Death Eaters and their confused progeny. The programme is a runaway success, especially after Malfoy invents a spell for tattoo removal of the Death Eater variety. Malfoy learns yoga, travels to Paris and becomes an artist. Upon his return, his series of paintings, Beyond The Pale, break all records and are feted for their "heartbreaking poignancy and refined emotion". Much to Ron's dismay, Ron's daughter Rose and Malfoy get married. Malfoy starts calling Ron 'dad'. They adopt six African orphans. Several buildings are named after Malfoy, as well as a wing of the rebuilt Hogwarts School. Malfoy issues a restraining order against a now-alcoholic Harry after several murder attempts. Neville Longbottom Neville became quite the dasher after his heroic antics in the Battle of Hogwarts. His handiness with the sword of Gryffindor made him quite popular with the ladies. He was also an expert ball-room dancer, how could the ladies resist? So while he basked in the warm glow of female adoration, his relationship with Luna was put on hold. He eventually started a weight-loss programme for wizards. His own magical transformation from tubby to trim made his owl-order business quite successful. There were some investigations into the legality of his potions, rumoured to be launched by the increasingly rotund Ron, but they didn't amount to much. Neville and Luna re-united, got married and lived happily ever after. Except for that incident with Pansy Parkison. And that re-union where a visibly drunk Harry got up on a table and yelled "I killed a Basilisk when I was twelve! In your face Longbottom!" Oh well, as happily as one can expect.